I Can't Stand It Sometimes

There are morning where nothing seems to work.

I just blew up at my kid. Normally, he doesn't do what we ask him to do the first five times we do tell him to do something. I HATE IT.

Today, he's out in my overcoat and his new tall hat (I don't know what to call it; he looks like Scrooge . . . that kind of hat).

"Hang up my coat and come have breakfast. We need to leave in 20 minutes."

"In a minute," and he goes outside.

Knock on the door.

"It's open."

Again, a knock, but louder.

"Come in, it's open."

Ignored until I open for him.

Have your breakfast and you have to brush your teeth and get ready. We have to leave soon."

"In a minute."

I can't stand it.

He walked around for a while and went outside. We have 10 minutes until we have to leave.

Again a knock on the door.

I yell angrily, "OPEN THE DOOR," as he walks in.

Now he's angry.

"Don't ever yell at me."

"Can't you understand that I get frustrated asking you to do something five or six times before you do it? Can't you understand?"

And then my wife reminds me that I need to manage my emotions better and that a kid just shot people in Connecticut . . .yadda yadda yadda.

I can't hear it. I am angry and frustrated with my son who never, I repeat never does anything we want him to do the first time. And all the effort I put in in so many directions is eating me up. There are times I can't manage how I feel. I have spent weeks with him never getting out of bed and going to school easily. It is always rolling over for another 20 or 40 minutes so we race like maniacs to get him there.

Try to get him to do homework is a battle . . . .every night.

I can't stand it.

Score A Point for the Good Guys

After lunch yesterday, I made it through the rest of the day well. I didn't eat more than my prescribed calories and that included a dark chocolate covered coconut ball. A little too sweet but a nice little treat.

We went to see "A Christmas Carol" last night after battling with our son to do homework. A nice little production but it pisses me off when he doesn't do what he's supposed to do easily. I gotta get used to it . . . he's almost 12 and that's what I have in store for a few years.

And this morning's 5K run at the gym was a new personal best (for this cycle of training) of 27.34 and 8:52 pace and 6 seconds off my previous best time. Tomorrow, I'll go a little easier and Sunday, I'll take off.

I also saved a deal yesterday . . . the guy's firm made it hard to have his visa transferred and it was slowing down my client and pissed them off that he only brought up the issue at the last minute. Cooler heads prevailed and he's till joining. I deserve the fee and on to the next one.

Today, my son's class is having a party at lunch to celebrate the completion of a study cycle on fungi so I'll go to his school for lunch at noon, admire the presentations, eat and head back for an afternoon of work.

I have an other offer top try closing but don't think the guy will accept . . . so it goes sometimes. I only spent a year working on this.

Smart

I took a break at lunch and sat watching sports instead of eating and working.

Smart

I Can't Believe How Tense I AM!

I feel so much stress.

I'm trying to reach someone who has a job offer who probably won't take it. He hasn't called back yet.

I have so many new jobs to work on, to post on my website, people to reach out to.

Breathe.

I Screwed Up

For the past month, I disappeared . . . not blogging and not losing weight. I've been pretty good but Thanksgiving and my birthday celebration and a hole lot of other excuses have left me yo-yo-ing within 3 pounds of my bottom weight.

My running has been good. I now do a long run of 3.3 miles and a typical run is a 5K (3.11 miles). Today, I did my 5K in 27 minutes 40 seconds, a personal best for me.

Yet the real thing is that I have been sloppy about recording what I eat. I start the day off well, continue on through lunch but rarely finish what I start.

Well maybe the real thing has been how anxious I have been at work about a number of deals that have gone south. I came so close to having a blowout period but nothing worked. That left me frustrated and eating.

It's hard for me to see $55000 evaporate so quickly.

Anxious

I am anxious, not hungry.

I came upstairs to snack on something but I am going to have tea instead.

It Sneaks Up

I felt good this morning having had a good run at the gym and returned to weigh my lowest so far since starting to lose weight with Livestrong.

A little later, my wife returned upset because she lost a filling and needed a crown and was upset to have to spend the money. We don't have dental insurance and it will be a $3000 bill. She found they offer a plan that will let us pay it off in 6 months interest free. I like that because I don't want to pay interest . . .and they won't negotiate their fee.

And then I went upstairs to my friend the refrigerator and took out some left over yellow squash and ate the equivalent of two slices.

It snuck up on me and now I'm back at my desk working and not in the refrigerator.

I'm Sorry

O'm sorry.

I didn't blog yesterday. I have been busy working and living life and didn't make the time to write.

My running is getting stronger. Yesterday, I was on the treadmill at 5:30 as always at jogged 2.82 miles in 26 minutes.

Today, I did my first 5K (3.11 miles) in almost a year. Injuries were a big part of the struggle. Tight hamstrings, a fall where I hurt my hip and both shoulders slowed me down but I am back at 5K again.

My weight this morning was under 221. That's 13 pounds so far.

And that ends the nice report.

Right now, I'm feeling a bit anxious. I am waiting for several job offers for candidates I am representing that will help relieve some of the financial stress I am feeling. I have investments and some money in the bank but I hate touching things and just want to stay current with expenses, not incur debt and feel good about what I do professionally.

I'm close to these job offers and believe several will close successfully but I'm worried because some feel like they've stalled.

Breathe.

When that happens, I feel tight and start thinking about eating.

Next week is Thanksgiving. I ordered our turkey yesterday and it will be an overeating festival. Sunday and Monday, we're doing a family trip to Charlotte. Not long after is my birthday and then "the holidays" and our family vacation to Florida.

I know I will eat well over the next few weeks but don't want to go crazy. I've worked to take off this weight. I don't want to go nuts and give it all back.

Mad.

My son (not quite 12) spent yesterday with a friend doing yard work at the friend's home. Who knows what he ate there but by the time he woke here, he had eaten a pint of ice cream, 2 rice bars and a chocolate bar somewhere before 3 AM when he woke.

He got back to sleep at 9, woke at 2, hasn't done his homework yet, has been snippy with my wife, and then she started to micromanage me which I hate.

I made dinner for them (my wife teaches tonight) and have gotten the heck away from the two of them so they can sort things through.

The Giants are getting killed today (Thank goodness, I didn't watch the game) and it feels like a washout day.

So far, I took a 40 minute walk today at Biltmore Estate which bought me some more calories but I just want the two of them out of here and be left alone.

It's Sneaky How It Creeps Up on You!

We went to dinner late last night and although I ate within calories, I was up a fraction this morning.

I was at the gym when it opened at 8 AM, got a good run in and then the sneaky stuff started.

I had breakfast of a bagel and lox at around 9:45. Still felt hungry. Followed it with a small biscuit. Still feel hungry.

Started listening to a webinar while doing some work on one of my blogs, The Free Job Search Guide. The woman running the webinar is a high energy ex-Google person who is making a living by teaching others o do webinars. She's talking 50 mile a minute while I'm doing work on my blog. I'm listening with one ear and working on the blog when my son calls to tell me he's on his way to Tae Kwon Do with our neighbor.

I can feel the tension building up and I realize, "I have to turn off the webinar! I'm getting crazy!"

And that's what I did . . .turn off the webinar even though it promised to show me step by step how to do what she does.

Maybe I'll listen to it in 15 minute chunks but I can't listen to someone who is "speeding" like that and maintain my sanity.

So Close!

I am a snacker.

Well I also eat meals and snack, too.

I'm also a garbage pail eater, eating leftovers from my wife snd son's plates.

I just went upstairs and saw so leftover pasts in a bowl. As is often the case, I picked up the fork to eat some but stopped myself . . . Twice!

Then I emptied the dishwasher, watered a plant, and went downstairs without wasting calories on cold pasta I only wanted to eat because it was there and not because I was hungry; good for me!

Wound Up

It's 9:37 AM and although I did a good run at the gym, I'm feeling a bit wound up this morning. Anxious.

I'm less fat than I was when I started this and had a non-fat plain yogurt and granola for breakfast but I have been working pretty feverishly this morning.

It's the minutiae of my morning--lining up my posts on Hootsuite, accepting the select LinkedIn connection requests I do, getting caught up on my blog posts on some of my other blogs--running at a fast pace to get things done.

No hunger.

No nervous eating.

It feels like I have a lot to do and in the past I would take a break to snack.

Not this morning.

Can I Just Be Depressed?

I don't like the results of the election and I am just trying to keep my opinions to myself.

My wife tried to speak to me about it this morning and asked some goofy stuff that I answered . . .but she didn't like the answer/opinion I offered and I started to get mad at being "set up."

Fortunately, we exercise in different areas of the gym so we were able to connect again later.

Breakfast of tofu and a snack of a piece of French bread with a little butter.

The Election

A nervous night as I watch the election results come in. I think the President will keep his job and the economy hoes in the tank next year no matter who is elected.

Romney ran a terrible campaign and deserves to lose because of election malpractice.

And instead of doing what I have done in years past (eating a pint of ice cream and having Chinese food for dinner, my wife made tacos and I snacked on steamed kale.

I need to breathe deeply to avoid feeling the pressure.

Breathe.

Checking In

This morning at the gym, I ran for 3 miles in 28 minutes. My best distance and my best amount of time in quite a long time. My persistence with running after an injury is paying off as I start to get to my previous mileage levels again. Someone at the gym who is a long distance runner has noticed my length of time increase and commented to me about it; it felt good to tell running stories again.

I'm down almost 12 pounds from where I started by having flexibility with what I eat and using the LiveStrong app. I'm not always perfect but the results are terrific. I am at my lost weight in more than a year at 222.8 and it is coming off me easily.

Now that my office in New York has power again, my stress levels are up again. I have a few people that are close to being hired and I always worry about stuff like that. I'm also waiting on a check being deposited; last week when I would normally have gotten it, the office was closed because power was out because of the storm. Hopefully, it is deposited today.

Although I am doing sales, I am worried; I heard some scuttlebutt that the office isn't doing well. It wouldn;t be the first business in America to close in the past few years. It would just take a bunch of effort to start up a business again . . .I hope I don't have to do that. If it closes, I will have to sue to get paid and who the hell wants to do that!

And then there is the election!

I'll go into that later.

Argo

Ate some popcorn and went to see Argo with the family. It was suspenseful even though I knew what happened from having lived during the Iranian hostage crisis.

No gym today so it's a day where I'm eating less today. Lunch was a frozen food thing with 230 calories.

I hope the Giants game is the 4:30 game today!

A Good Start. A Bad Start.

I woke this morning with my left ankle feeling a  little tender. I dressed for the gym and rotated it 10 times in each direction and did the same with my other ankle. They are both tender in the mornings when I wake but I still try getting to the gym. I figure at least I will walk for a half hour instead of run.

But when I got there, despite being hobbled a bit, as soon as I got on the treadmill and started running, it loosened up. I start at 6 miles per hour. At the 3:30 mark I sprint for 30 seconds at .8 (8 tenths) faster and then I reduce the speed by .7 (7 tenths). I repeat this every 4 minutes. It teaches my body to run faster and helps me loosen up. The last minute is a 1 minute sprint at 8 tenths of a mile faster than my last speed.

I did 25 minutes today and then walked for five; I stretched afterward and then did a few of the machines.

That was the good.

I weighed myself and since starting 3 less than 3 weeks ago, I down almost 10 pounds (9.8 to be exact)

The bad happened not too long after we got back from the gym when my wife's bridge fell out while using a Waterpik. It is something she has feared for so long and now it happened. She is at the dentist hoping they can reattach it until she sees a specialist Monday (Just got a call from her and it has been re-attached).

I care about her so much and it was so sad when she walked out saying that it had come out. She handled it well and so did our son, getting dressed, having breakfast, brushing his teeth all without extended effort.

A Tough Day

My wife is going to need major dental work--something she has feared for as long as we've known one another.

We talked and we cried and we hugged and talked some more. I apologized to my don and we are getting re-acquainted with one another.

I didn't eat crazy but I didn't eat perfectly--100 calories over goal.

I don't want to give myself a pass and I will be perfect tomorrow.

I am hoping we have power in the office Monday so I can get back to work.

I'M MAD!!

My wife is having dental problems and needs to have a bridge worked on that seems to her to be loose. My son won't hear that today is not the day to look at riding his bike 8 miles to school and back. That's it's too much for her to deal with.

"Mom is saying that she is having a dental problem and doesn't want to deal with this now. You're being an idiot."

He puts his hands over his ears; she walks out in a huff."

I'm the bad guy . . .again.

I'm frustrated that everything with him is a negotiation and that he won't do anything we ask just because we ask him OR tell him to do it.

I want to just eat myself into oblivion today because I am mad and can tune out by eating.

I don't have access to my office because the storm has cut off power o my office in New York, I'm going to probably have to spend a few thousand dollars for dental work for her, my work is straight commission and had  few hires close to closing when the storm hit . . . now, I don't know if they will ever happen.

I just want things to go smoothly but they aren't and I want to cry.

I try so hard and am so frustrated . . . and that is often when I comfort myself with eating. But I weighted in at 225.2 this morning, down 8.8 pounds from when I started and I don't want to blow the effort I have put into losing weight because I am angry and hurt.

No Power at Work

I don't know how long power will be down for but power is out and I am severely handicapped at work. I can't reach some of the people I am trying to help find work . . . That's to be expected given what happened.

I am not nervous yet but I am concerned that if the mail server is down for too long, if people don't get back on the grid soon, a lot of people will suffer even more.

Worries and Action

The storm is affecting us, too, even though we are no where near the Northeast.

Work was slow today. Part me. Part that the weather is such a big deal.
As I key this in, I Am getting mad because my son ignores what my wife and I say.

Getting Back on Track

I wanted to do better than I did this weekend but I did what I did and now have to get back on track.

The long drive to Maryland (8 hours) on Friday and the long drive home on Sunday. The meals at the hotel and at the various functions we went to . . . not a one that I would consider to be appropriate to losing weight. Last night's dinner when we got home . . . WAY too much food.

I can't get to the gym this morning; the effects of the hurricane and how the storm is affecting us in Western North Carolina with high winds and heavy rain and snow coming . . . the gym is closed and no exercise this morning; I'll see if I can get in later.

I made poor choices but many were made for me.

I haven't weighed myself yet. It won't be pretty.

The goal is getting back on track today and "detoxing" from the weekend.

Saturday in Gaithersburg

We spent yesterday on a long drive.

Sharon and I were at the gym at 5:30 and I got in a 2.6 mile run.

We left the house at 7:20 AM, drove to Earthfare to get breakfast and then got back in the car and started the long drive to Gaithersburg. I would never have eaten this otherwise but had a bagel, egg, cheese and bacon. I know. Not diet food.

We snacked in the car as we drove. I had a turkey sandwich on a good bread with mustard, an apple and a cookie. I know. Not diet food. Our last stop was about 7 hours into our trip where I had a frappacino. I know. Not diet food.

We traveled for a bas mitzvah from a cousin in my wife's family and on Friday, everything centered on bringing the family back together after a lengthy separation. I had seen anyone since we moved from the New York area so it was sweet walking in and seeing how much the kids had grown and how they had changed.

We talked and ate. I tried to act in moderation. Succeeded in some places and failed in one.

Today, we will have breakfast in the hotel and then head to temple for the service. Lunch will be another spread and dinner will be a formal party.

I won't go crazy but will eat modestly during the day.

And we went for a walk this morning early before sunrise.

Creeping Anxiety

I've known about the trip we are taking tomorrow for months yet, like always, I became anxious the later in the day it got.

Work kept landing in my inbox. I was already behind and more and more kept arriving. Because I will generally be offline tomorrow, more will be waiting for me.

Arrrgh!!!

And I am sticking with normal eating and not getting crazy. As of this morning, I was down eight pounds and my food consumption is in the hands of caterers this weekend.

I'll try to stay calm while staring at the buffet.

A lot to do

We leave tomorrow for a weekend with my wife's family and I have too much to do today .

I made it to the gym and did 25 minutes on the treadmill, got to my desk early and have been on the go all morning . I will get a lot done today but I want to be conscious of what I eat.

I had some pasta and salad for lunch and am heading to my desk in a few minutes.

A Simple Night

Nothing uncomplicated . . . Other than our getting our son to do his homework. Now, he's practicing piano and is doing nicely. His new teacher is inspiring him and he's doing well.

I are modestly tonight-- leftover rice pasta with a little sauce plus some broccoli and edamame. Dessert was Greek yogurt and a little granola.

I'll probably make it an early night after being up late watching the boring debates last night and waking too late to do a run at the gym .

Chugging Along

My work day has been chugging along. I am methodically doing what I do and getting things done, slowly, steadily moving forwards. I am very close to several hires and that will help me sleep easier for the rest of the calendar year. Financially, I feel tight with a modest amount for cash for me, plenty of assets but I hate having to sell something to deal with current expenses.

I realize I am always calculating . . . figuring things out . . . scanning situations to see everything going on around me. This attention to detail is hard to maintain. I know it complements that part of me that worries constantly and when I worry, I need to "decompress" or relax.

All I seem to be doing is working and worrying. I'm worrying about my wife's asthma and whether it will eventually choke her to death. I worry about then raising our son well and having him resent me.

Breathe.

Cleaning the Plate

I had a good dinner--big salad with tuna, dr Praeger's sweet potato pancakes, some baked Trader Joe French Fries (no ketchup), went off to write up a reference for a client, schedule two interviews, then finish cleaning our dinner plates while my son did his homework.

While my son started his math, I went to clean the plates and put the remains in the garbage and put the salvageable stuff into containers in he refrigerator.

My son left 3 bites of a plain burger with a fork sticking in it. I picked up the fork and took a bite and asked, "Why did you just take a bite? You aren't hungry so throw it out."

That's exactly what I did. Throw it out rather than eat unnecessarily.

See how easy that was to slide into one of the old habits?

6 Hours of Sleep

A good workout at the gym plus 6 hours of sleep. I like when my wife comes with me so that we have a few minutes to talk without interruption. I have a busy day ahead--my radio show at 9 am, reference checks and resumes to read.

But the day starts best with a run.

No More Anger Today

I was angry earlier . . . And was done with it until I just saw a. commercial for the President's re-election criticizing Governor Romney for paying taxes at capital gains rates.

Well, Mr. President, if you are bothered by this you could have submitted legislation to change it but like the hypocrite you are, you would rather create a bogey man than actually do something.

And I won't go eat

OK! The Work Morning Is Done

My son has calmed down and done his homework. I have done my residual homework, too and gotten caught up.

It's time to have some fun today!

He's Annoying This Morning

Maybe he's hungry but where did he ever get the idea that pie was ok for breakfast? Then he yells how mean we are and demands why he can't get it.

What a brat!

And I'm pissed off from his tantrum. Time to finish breakfast

Tired This Morning

Yesterday was too busy a day to blog. While our son was at what is called Nature Awareness with one of his teachers, we went to The Biltmore Estate for a long walk and then to town for a crafts fair. Last evening, we went to see a local production of Macbeth, one of my favorites from Shakespeare.

It was an active day and I woke this morning at about 6:20 to a loud sound in the house that sent me to my computer to start me day. As of yesterday morning's weigh in, I had lost more than 6 pounds since starting to count calories last Sunday. Part of that has come from being conscious of the things that trigger my eating when I am not hungry--when I feel good, I eat. When I get anxious and scared, I eat. When I am excited, I eat. When I want to take a break, I eat. When I am busy with something else, I don't have time to eat. When I am tired, I eat-- Obviously, there are lots of triggers to eating!

But there is a lot of benefit to not eating at all those times.

As I wait for my wife to wake so I can get on the scale, I feel lighter and more energetic. I noticed in the mirror my face had become thinner, a first clue to weight loss. Although my clothing, particularly my pants, is starting to get a little loose, it feels good to be lighter.

A Nice Night

We had friends over for dinner last night. Served chicken from the BBQ (no bbq sauce). done with Braggs Aminos, quinoa and salad. The chciken breasts were great (using chicken on the bone leaves it tasting more moist), and then some dessert of lots of little tasting items from Earthfare. I had lots of calories left over so I took a few little tastes of some.

Best of all was time to talk with them about "stuff." She has been suffering since her Mom died and  giving her a place to talk with some understanding folks seemed to do the trick for her. I suspect they will be back soon. Sharon and Jack both enjoyed it, he enjoyed playing with friends, she enjoyed a social evening, something she is not prone to having usually because her nature is to be isolating (as is mine).

We had spoken earlier in the week about how our son wanted to get together with a particular friend who was a grade ahead of him and wasn't part of the texting circle (we have chosen not to get a cell phone for him yet). We realized in talking that it was hard for him to be social with his friends because he never saw us being social with ours.

Breaking from the routine for the night was nice; we'll do it again.

Mom? Is That You?

We're having friends over tonight. My wife has been a cleaning and cooking machine since very early this morning.

I went upstairs for a minute after getting of of a call with someone I was checking a reference with who basically gave a horrible reference to my candidate. I can see a very large fee disappear.

When I arrived upstairs, I saw a big container of quinoa in a storage thingee.

"Quinoa!" I checked Livestrong. 200 calories a cup. Seems like a lot.of calories.

"I think I'll pass. Too many calories for so early in the day"

"Don't stop eating quinoa. It's one of the healthiest foods you can eat. Dr. Galland says its one of the super foods. Don't start counting calories. Eat healthy . . . "yadda yadda yadda.

To make a short story shorter. I caved in and had some. I'm not happy with myself but I ate a cup of quinoa because I was anxious about the deal and it was pretty close to lunch time so I did it.

It was my Mom's voice from when I was a kid. Eat! Eat! It's good for you.

Along with it were the words, "You're getting fat. Stop eating so much."

So I limited it and didn't go nuts."

I'm worried about this new deal PLUS I have several more behind it..

Breathe.

Friday

Do you understand what I mean when I say I am both slightly anxious and tired at the same time?

One part of me is tired (my mind) another part is kinda perky (my body). The perky comes from a  hard run I did at the gym; it left me mentally tired . . . well, truth be told, I was mentally tired before the run and nothing is different. At least my body has some spirit to it.

I have a busy day ahead . . .a full work day plus we have friends over tonight with their kids. I will be interesting to see how I manage with my calories. Interestingly, I originally wrote, "cope with my calories," like it was a kind of punishment or struggle. It really hasn't been. I just record what I eat in the Livestrong app, stay under the calories and lose weight.

At least I don't have to think about staying up late to watch the Yankees in the World series.

YAWN!

How am I going to wake up???

Stress

Stress.

Pressure.

Whatever you want to call it, it has been eating me up.

Funny phrase. Eating me up.

I tend to eat when I am anxious and when I get manic.

Like earlier today when I wrote about how I just closed a deal, felt great and headed right to the refrigerator to eat some cheese.

Why?

Habit?
Yeah.

Celebration?
Yeah.

Feeling GREAT?
Yeah

All of that, but this afternoon, I have too much to do and decided to acknowledge the feeling of being overwhelmed by blogging. It forces me to stop and pay attention and, maybe, if I'm luck, by the time this is over, I won't feel as much stress and pressure.

There, I closed my eyes and took two breaths. That was good.

I still feel some pressure but not as much.

I'm tired, too.

Slowing down to breathe helped but it brought out the fact that I am tired.

Good.

Feeling Good. Feeling Great!

I started the day off with a 2.54 mile run at the gym, came home, spent some nice time with Sharon before our son woke SND joined us for a playful morning. Last night he sent a funny poem to me that I'll post later that shifted my mood last night.

I have been working hard with light results and just trying to muster some patience.

So I plugged away this morning and then got the first call I was waiting for-- the offer is approved. When can she start!

I was thrilled; the candidate was, too and can start in two weeks.

Then I almost made a mistake-- in my exhilaration and mania, I almost went to the fridge and ate some cheese. It wasn't hungry. I was excited and manic and almost ate something I didn't need to eat something.

Tough morning

I felt a little hungry while reigning in my fear and just doing what I needed to do.

Time for lunch--Thai Basil Chicken-- 370 calories. Then off to do an errand with Sharon.

I am looking forward to the meeting with my men's group tonight

I'm MAD!

I was up late last night watching the fraud that was called a Presidential debate. Up early this morning and went to the gym; it was going to be a walking day today any way aftera  hard run yesterday.

After 7, I woke my son. 

"Why did you wake me at 7?" 

"I do that every morning."

"I'm supposed to be awakened at 7:15."

"Set your alarm then and I won't be going in to wake you."

He eventually came out and started doing Taekwondo kicks in the living room."

"I have a busy morning this morning. Please feed your pet before you go to school."

"I DON'T WANT TO DO IT NOW, OK!"

"I didn't ask you to feed it now; I asked about doing it before school."

I took out the garbage and put out the cans for them to be emptied. My sneakers got wet so I changed them when I came back in. As I was lacing them up, he starts doing kicks in my face; they are arriving about a foot from my face. He does it three times.

"Please don't do that."

"It wasn't like I was going to hit you."

"I don't care. Don't do that."

My wife asks him what his instructors would say that if he did that in front of them; of course he tries to rationalize it.

Finally, as I ate breakfast, he came out and put a wig on my head as I was eating. I was in now mood.

"Not now."

My wife explains that he's trying to make contact with me. I don't want contact right now. I want to be left alone. "Is there something wrong with one of the deals?" "No. I just have something rumbling in my mind."

She says, "Make the time for the 15 minutes in the morning."

"I can't hear this right now," and leave for my office.

I need to lose this feeling of anger. I'm mad at being spoken to disrespectfully and being acted with disrespectfully.

Maybe a few minutes of meditation; maybe a short nap. I have a lot to do this morning and it will have to wait.

Just keep plugging.

A quick dinner of chicken and polenta and I still have plenty of calories to snack on something during the Presidential debates tonight.

As I wrote earlier, I was getting wound up by several things going on, but a quick conversation with a friend lowered the tension for me.

On to Tae Kwon Do to watch Jack get his new belt.

Pressure

It feels ate building and I started to feel pressure in my chest. The kind of pressure I associate with stress.

I decided to step away for a few minutes so I got in the car and took a short drive to return something to WalMart. Just a few minutes away from the refrigerator.

Smart!

Time To Dive In

I was talking about the debates with an old friend when I got a call from a client with a bunch of new jobs to work on. My stomach tightened. I took down meager notes and will try to find a similar job description online to work from.

My breath is pretty shallow. Where is the first job offer from you already. I've scheduled a few interviews and am now close on five or six new hires in the next few days.

There. A deep breath. Don't race around and get nuts. Keep the focus on what I need to do. Everything will come together.

Dealing With Other's and Their Anxiety Makes Me Anxious

I work remotely but work with people from my office and with job hunters. I remember when I did psychoanalytic training the notion that others would induce anxiety in the therapist and that would give me the feeling that they were experiencing.

I am feeling anxiety from my office and from job hunters. The guy who emails to say, "I haven't heard about that fly in interview," when none has been discussed with him. The folks in my office looking for yet another check in when I give them updates as I receive them and did at the end of the day yesterday.

And, after having 50 oz of water in the past 4 hours, I am, a you would expect, spending time in the bathroom.

At least the weight is coming off!

Starting The Day

I was up at about 4 AM today and spent some time online doing some work for my Internet business and 5:30 I was at the gym and ran 2.65 miles in 25 minutes (a 9.26 pace). I drove home, showered, weighed myself (228 on the button after doing the run; down 3 pounds) and dressed, woke Jack and had breakfast (an apple and two pancakes), recorded my jobs audio for the day.

Went upstairs, emptied and loaded the dishwasher, watered the peace lily and am back at my desk. I am noticing a twinge in my stomach, not hunger but feeling a little anxious about all the stuff I have to do today.

Breathe deeply twice.

Tempted

When our plans changed and an evening walk at Biltmore Estate became a short ride to pick a pumpkin nearby, I now needed to make do with calories without picking up more from the walk.

So I had a little chicken and some leftover vegetarian chili, some yogurt and granola.

I am still hungry but I will make do until tomorrow. I have spent a day with little anxiety. Waiting for a job offer to come any moment.

I Hate People Sometimes

Sometimes, I hate the people who come to me looking for work.

For example, someone emailed their resume to me for a job & I spoke with them about  the position.

He told me the salary he would work for to do the job.

"Great! I'll get back to you."

I call him back.

"They would like to speak with you. It is Blah Blah Corporation."

"I'll only work for them as a consultant at $100 p/h."

Why didn't you tell me that before?

"Why is that?"

"I'll only work for them for $100 p/h."

"Have a nice day."

So I notice my anger rising and I want to walk to the refrigerator and eat something. I want to ring this person's neck. It's the part of my work I truly dislike . . . the insanity of human beings.

So I won't go to the refrigerator except to get a glass of water. I will feel angry and not take it out on myself for being fooled by a candidate again. I won't eat myself into gaining weight because someone is just cruel and deceptive.

The Gym The Day

Since I missed my morning window at the gym, I went at 11:30 Andhad a good run and earned some calories back.

A quick shower and waiting for a job offer for someone I expect will accept that will continue this nice roll I'm on.

Don't feel nervous today. Being conscious of my anxiety is keeping me out of the refrigerator.

Good morning!

I overslept the gym this morning but even after a large dinner lost .4 pound. Today will be a good test for managing my anxiety into weight loss. My family is home plus it's a work day for me.

Time to practice breathing and maybe get out to the gym at lunch.

Watching the Giants

The Giants' defense is getting chewed up by the 49'ers and surprisingly I don't feel in the least anxious.

That usually isn't the case even when they win. A big kick return called back by a penalty? So what!

Cool!

He's a Pain Sometimes

He is off for a three day weekend and will try to avoid doing homework until the last minute if allowed. My wife tried to get him to do some while I was out but she is feeling very frustrated today with him.

She has gone out rather that rip his head off, something she really doesn't want to do but she just wishes he would do it already.

So I've had lunch (salad and a rice burger) and he has eaten frozen fruit and 2 bites of an apple he used to procrastinate with. We do this dance with our son all the time.

Punishing does not work; he hunkers down and tortures us on different ways when we take away his favorite things. I feel my frustration growing and chose to eat the remaining $2 organic apple that would have been thrown out.

He just walked out to see what I was doing rather than do his work. I am here waiting him out. All the while my temper is rising and my afternoon is getting lost.

As much as people adore him at taekwondo, he rarely does his work without it taking long periods of time and lots of annoying behavior.

A Walk

35 minutes walking did a little to reduce stress and it did keep me away from the refrigerator. Figure a 20 minute drive each way and the walk-- according to the software, I burned 308 calories.

So the anxiety is a little less and I head home.

A Nice Talk

A chance to speak with my wife without interruption while have scrambled eggs and a slice of toast. Off for a walk at the Biltmore Estate.

Why us someone trying to reach Jack on FaceTime repeatedly?????? He'll wake up.

First Weigh In

I went upstairs to shower and got on the scale. This is not a day I go to the gym very often and if I do, it is at 1 PM when it opens.

231.6 down from 234 the previous day before the gym. This is after having Chinese food last night (salt. water retention). A good first day.

I feel the anxiety as I type this. It doesn't seem related to losing weight. It feels like it relates to just feeling like there is a lot to do PLUS I want to watch the Giants game at 4:30 today and Sharon will be out teaching tonight and I will need to spend time with Jack PLUS that website is down AND I have a few deals close to closing AND I have this huge bill to pay.

I hate reaching into my checkbook and writing large checks out. I don't want to touch my reserves to pay it.

Breathe.

Breathe.

The laundry is up. It will be ready for the dryer in 30 minutes.

Have some breakfast. Just notice when you get a little tight.

Like now.

Sunday morning early

I woke up before 6 AM to find out the final score of the Yankee game last night and learn that Derek Jeter was injured. I have my ezine to write and trying to figure out how to get on to one of my blogs again; I'm locked out of it and the webhost has sent me off to fix it myself with instructions from Wordpress. Screw them but I'm screwed until I get through my fear and get it done. 

As I write this, I notice that I feel anxious . . . it's a site I like and one I want to get working but I notice that each time I have to fix a website, the feeling of fear creeps into my body and I get frozen with (I want to say apprehension) fear.

I think I'll reach out to Roger and see if he can help me. It's been a long time; I think he will show pity on me.

Breathe.

Breathe. 

You'll get it fixed.

It's gone!

Yankee game

It's the end of two innings and close plays with the bases loaded have left the game scoreless.

I'm feeling a little anxious but not enough to break the deal I made with myself to have a snack after 9 pm tonight.

If I feel too stressed, I'll try to tolerate it for a while before switching to another channel.

Blogging is helping. It's a distraction from wanting to eat. Meanwhile, I am under the calorie count that Livestrong tells me will help me lose weight.

Cool!

Dinner

They had Chinese food after testing but I didn't go crazy. I had enough to take the edge off my appetite.

I took time to chat with some people I know plus chatted with a woman who wrote a children's book about Cosmo the Dog running for President.

My wife thinks that tapping into my phone is weird. She is not a tech head and it bothers her. I would like to just maintain my ease and not be concerned right now.

Energy

This is my first day eating like this. I figure I will take in fewer calories, less fat and lose weight.

Yet on day 1 I notice I'm tired this afternoon. I don't know if it is less food eaten, fatigue from waking up early or boredom. I don't feel hungry yet just a little tired.

Before TKD

So I downloaded the Blogger app and went upstairs, had 2 oz of tuna.

As we drive to the dojo, I started to decompress and lose the feeling of being punched in the gut.

Although testing is scheduled for two and a half hours, it is likely to be more like three.

Calmer, not calm.

Getting Started

I'm 5'10 and this morning after exercising at the gym, weighed 232.8 pounds. I'm fat with a stomach.

I don't feel fat and, sometimes, I don't feel anxious but I am. I hide anxiety pretty well but the fact of te matter is I am someone who is quite anxious most of the time but looks and sounds calm most of the time by faking it.

Yesterday, I was standing in a bookstore staring at books I wan't interested in and realized that it wasn't hunger that was causing me to eat but anxiety, You see, I worry a lot about almost everything.

I worry about work and whether an employer is going to hire someone.

I worry about bills.

I worry if I am going to piss someone off.

I often scan situations looking for how a problem might creep up and bite me or the group in the butt.

I just think a lot and worry and then I want to eat. I want to eat to calm me down, the lead of the food providing me with soothing that makes it possible to distract me enough to not feel as bad for so long.

Last night at the bookstore, I decided I want to change and do things differently.

I woke up this morning a little before 6 AM and went to my computer and did a little work and, once I heard my wife's footsteps upstairs went up to have some tea.

We went to the gym and then to the farmer's market at UNC Asheville.

I skipped having the gluten free cake at the market and waited to get home and have breakfast . . . steel cut oats. A good start to the day. I felt good.

My wife went out to pick up a rug she previously ordered for our son's room and while she was out, he set up a beginner website at web.com to show his tessellations and maybe sell them. I saw that he put our phone number on the website and rather than tell him that no one would buy them and hurt his feelings, I got a Google Voice number for him pointed to our home number. This way, we could always block a crazy person from calling him.

When she got home, she was upset. Who's going to all him (No one. They have to find it to call him and no one will find this for a long time). The what felt like her anxiety triggered my anxiety and the first twinge of the day in my body was set off.

The stress started building in my chest and, noticing it was 12:15 PM, I decided I would have some lunch. I ate a package of Halal chicken nuggets, read some news stories on my iPhone and tried to slow myself down.

I went from a 7 on the stress meter to a "5." A good start and I didn't eat more than lunch--good start! Normally, I would have eaten more but I didn't.

After lunch, I puppy dogged with my son while he did vision therapy in order to make sure he did it and then went to the store where I bought a few things. When I came back, the dreaded credit card bill was waiting-- $5400! I hit a "10" but still decided not to eat more. I withdrew and went to my computer to blog and try to calm down before we all went to Tae Kwon Do testing.

I have taken punches in the gut today and not eaten unnecessarily. I'll probably have some grapes or some yogurt before we go and log them into my new food log app on my iPhone. I'm at a "5" or "6" as my son comes to see my to hustle me along.

I don't want to be rushed today; if anything, I get more anxious the more I rush. Besides, I will be sitting in a chair for three hours today during testing.