Getting Started

I'm 5'10 and this morning after exercising at the gym, weighed 232.8 pounds. I'm fat with a stomach.

I don't feel fat and, sometimes, I don't feel anxious but I am. I hide anxiety pretty well but the fact of te matter is I am someone who is quite anxious most of the time but looks and sounds calm most of the time by faking it.

Yesterday, I was standing in a bookstore staring at books I wan't interested in and realized that it wasn't hunger that was causing me to eat but anxiety, You see, I worry a lot about almost everything.

I worry about work and whether an employer is going to hire someone.

I worry about bills.

I worry if I am going to piss someone off.

I often scan situations looking for how a problem might creep up and bite me or the group in the butt.

I just think a lot and worry and then I want to eat. I want to eat to calm me down, the lead of the food providing me with soothing that makes it possible to distract me enough to not feel as bad for so long.

Last night at the bookstore, I decided I want to change and do things differently.

I woke up this morning a little before 6 AM and went to my computer and did a little work and, once I heard my wife's footsteps upstairs went up to have some tea.

We went to the gym and then to the farmer's market at UNC Asheville.

I skipped having the gluten free cake at the market and waited to get home and have breakfast . . . steel cut oats. A good start to the day. I felt good.

My wife went out to pick up a rug she previously ordered for our son's room and while she was out, he set up a beginner website at web.com to show his tessellations and maybe sell them. I saw that he put our phone number on the website and rather than tell him that no one would buy them and hurt his feelings, I got a Google Voice number for him pointed to our home number. This way, we could always block a crazy person from calling him.

When she got home, she was upset. Who's going to all him (No one. They have to find it to call him and no one will find this for a long time). The what felt like her anxiety triggered my anxiety and the first twinge of the day in my body was set off.

The stress started building in my chest and, noticing it was 12:15 PM, I decided I would have some lunch. I ate a package of Halal chicken nuggets, read some news stories on my iPhone and tried to slow myself down.

I went from a 7 on the stress meter to a "5." A good start and I didn't eat more than lunch--good start! Normally, I would have eaten more but I didn't.

After lunch, I puppy dogged with my son while he did vision therapy in order to make sure he did it and then went to the store where I bought a few things. When I came back, the dreaded credit card bill was waiting-- $5400! I hit a "10" but still decided not to eat more. I withdrew and went to my computer to blog and try to calm down before we all went to Tae Kwon Do testing.

I have taken punches in the gut today and not eaten unnecessarily. I'll probably have some grapes or some yogurt before we go and log them into my new food log app on my iPhone. I'm at a "5" or "6" as my son comes to see my to hustle me along.

I don't want to be rushed today; if anything, I get more anxious the more I rush. Besides, I will be sitting in a chair for three hours today during testing.